ugly

When I was thirteen, I was really fucking ugly.
 
But I’m better now
I learned how to apply eyeliner 
And how to smile properly 
How to make out with pretty girls
And suck dick in cars
I learned how to sway my hips and bite the insides of my cheeks for pictures 
So my face looks thinner
Because the camera adds ten pounds my boyfriend says he doesn’t care if I have
I learned I was ugly
But I also learned the cure
 
Now the first step in being cured of anything is to understand what causes it
So I turned myself inside out
Exposing pulsing muscles and dripping watery blood onto grass
And really looked at the ugly that had turned my guts to yesterday’s garbage
 
Symptoms include:
A mismatched pop culture nightmare of clothes that refuse to fit
Either because one doesn’t know how to find the right size for their constantly-changing body or simply because they don’t care
Hot Topic graciously wrapping its pale hands around teenager’s necks and enabling their habit of thinking they’re different
 
I learned it can stem from the rom-com love we find ourselves up to our eyes in sometimes
Self-centered enough to think that this movie features us as the stars
And that rather than being ugly 
We’re merely the unfortunate, sarcastic heroes that are friend-zoned 
Because the world just doesn’t get us, yet
 
I learned ugly is crying in a compact mirror, 
Applying too much Smackers Bubblegum lip gloss and wondering 
Why I was a Velma in a Daphne world
 
I learned ugly comes from the idea 
That you don’t need to grow up
 
But when I understood all that, I could start treatment
And treatment came in realization
 
I became prettier when I realized 
Velma probably got more dick than Daphne did
And I could wipe off the blue LA Colors eye shadow and sleep soundly
Knowing that it wouldn’t matter come college, come someday
And that even though my DNA was in its emo phase
Unable to express itself properly
I knew the ugly would work its way out eventually
 
Like a cold, like a bad disease
I was on the road to being ugly-free
With every new dose of self-love I got a little bit stronger
 
I admired my scars because even though they hurt
They made my skin mine
And that no one could shuck it off with a paring knife in the night
And wear my vessel like a costume
My ugly skin belonged to me
And I’d wear it with pride
 
The cure to ugly was loving what I was 
Because I’d gone through the treatment and came out the other side
And yes, there’s still that little girl screaming into her pillowwhat’s wrong with me? inside
 
She tries to straighten my hair and pull miniskirts up over my jeans
But I’m working hard to get her to shut the fuck up
Because man
She is ugly