our town

The first time my father set foot in our town
The apple pie stain on the map God made 
To show humanity where not to go
Begrudgingly greeted him like a bear
That had just woken up for Spring
 
There was something under the unpaved street that reminded him
Of a home he could never return to
Sensucht, he said to my mother
And that was his first mistake
 
After travelling so far through waist-deep hatred 
He built our house from the ground up
Putting tiles over rotted floors
And chasing me into corners with red hands and raised voices
When my brother came home from the hospital
My father told us we’d be safe
 
And that, I think, was mistake number two
It’s Mommy and me and your brother and you
So the next time you think about running away
Remember this is all you’ve got

When the snow came
No one dared to take a step outside
We waited all night for our town to thaw
But the black ice and hanging jaws
Ready to snap closed around our ankles kept the windows dark
Bear Mountain slept on while my friends all froze
And Spring did not come
 
The doors to the houses on the streets of our town
Were boarded up against the world
And when my brother and I went to them in the dead of night
There was nothing left to break open
 
When I was thirteen
We hung our heads low under cheap plastic tables
The sirens wailed and the teachers told us
It was only a drill
 
That our neighborhood nuclear plant going Chernobyl
Was a silly little nightmare for silly little children
And even though our bones told us to run
We waited
And hoped the fallout would stop 
At the top of our desks
 
But the nuclear had spread to the family next door
And when schism spit radioactive ashes
Under the covers of my brother's top bunk
The neighbor boy went running
Between Bible pages 
And his mother's homophobia
They moved away eight months later
And I wonder if he touches himself
To the sound of my brother's voice

The vomit had risen to the top of my throat
And when I was eighteen, I left
The next year came my brother
Just like always, one and then two
The Bear Mountain trap had been shaken loose
 
We cheated the system and beat the game
But our friends didn’t
 
Sometimes we still see them at the grocery store
And when they go home
Their bodies stack high inside houses 
Full of reruns and cubicle jobs
Customer service voices calling out 
Down hallways that smell like lemonade vodka
And burnt pre-packaged cookies
Never reaching higher than the ceiling light demands
 
It’s college or not
And a man that doesn’t love you
You’re not a MILF, you’re a victim
And so am I
So am I
 
While we dance in our circles at the high school reunion
I’ll congratulate your nuclear life
Because somehow 
You learned how 
To breathe the fallout
And sometimes I wish 
I could just stay home
 
My brother moved into his apartment last month
And when he kisses his girlfriend goodnight
I hope he’s forgotten what our town made us into
 
We escaped with our lives
And our dreams intact
But sometimes I wonder, as I watch my father wither
As his red hands wrinkle and his voice deflates
What else did that Bear Mountain town take?